I picked medical because it was what I knew. Maybe that gave me a leg up. I'm a healer, it's what I do.
[The other two hadn't even crossed his mind as possibilities. He can't control that he's with the CDC, but he can control what he does inside it. He prefers medical over everything else.]
So, I guess the question is, did you pick command because you thought you could do it, or did you pick it because you didn't think you could do either of the others?
And because of that, the question takes him completely off guard. What were his reasons for choosing command? Was it just pride? Was it him trying to prove something to himself or to others? His father’s words continue to echo in his head– in over his head, even though it didn’t seem like much. Even though he’d been watching Akane steadily work her way through the mire without blinking, without her hue changing. She remained as clear as day, all while he watched his own hue crumble and stain.
So really, had he thought he could do it? Or was it just fear of the other options? ]
Perhaps…perhaps a little of both. Leading is similar to what I do at home, so I thought it would be something I’m more used to. [ Even though leadership in the CDC is something very different. ]
At the same time, I don’t think I have it in me to perform well at the other two things at all.
[ He can barely keep his small team together, how was he supposed to stay cool under pressure when someone was bleeding out or when supplies that can affect so many were under fire? ]
[An observation, more than an accusation. He's not really in a position to judge.]
I'm not saying you need to be. But if the command option was anything like the medical option, I'm guessing it didn't give you much time to get your bearings. I take it didn't go the way you hoped?
[ Truthfully, he isn't certain. And it shows on his expression as soon as Anders points it out. Gino can feel the gnawing worry growing at the back of his mind. Worry over his performance, over how it's poor at home and isn't much better here. The MWPSB handbook hadn't had anything like this in it. ]
It...no, it really didn't. [ There were so many things he'd expected. The simulation had given him none of them. ] It dropped me back home. Or rather, a simulation of an event on my world. One I'd already been through, which I thought was strange.
[That's... interesting. And not what he'd expected, and unsettling in no small way. He knows it's no secret the CDC knows about the small details of their lives, but recreating something like that... he's not sure he likes the implications.]
Did it go better than the first time? Or worse?
[A too-personal question, maybe, but he doesn't apologize for it. To him, it's the personal things that make good leaders, the kind he'd happily follow instead of begrudgingly.]
[ Unsettling is one way to put it. Gino already understood that the CDC knew way too much about his life, too much about his choices. But to see that particular event laid out down to the second, to recreate an entire section of a mission...it was strange. Surreal, even. He doesn't want to think about what else they'd gleaned. ]
It went differently. [ They were both bad for separate reasons. ] I thought it went more efficiently this time. I knew where to go, at least. But, at the end I was faced with a decision– it was either try to make a run for the ship to evacuate and put everyone in danger...
[ A beat, because he still sort of believes he made the right choice. ]
Or stay behind and wave them off. [ Self-sacrificing. ]
[ He looks down, eyebrows knitting together. Why sacrifice an entire crew when they could all live? ]
Ghost sounded surprised. That I left them without a leader. [ There's a hesitation. ] I'd chosen the crew carefully; there were several others I knew would do better, with or without me.
[He's quiet for a long moment. He knows what he thinks of it. But the original question was about the assessments, about the CDC. He's not sure his advice is going to line up with what the instructors are really looking for.
Not that that's ever stopped him before.]
There was a war, where I'm from, a few years ago. I was a— soldier, I guess you could say. Near the end of it. ["Soldier" isn't the right word, but he's skimming details here: the Blight, the darkspawn, the Wardens. What Gino seems to need is the heart of the story.] We got word of a siege that was going to be laid against a city nearby. Our commander took a small group out to provide support, and left the rest of us to defend our base.
[He hasn't talked about the Wardens in a long time. It feels like he's talking about someone else's life.]
Long story short: the siege was a distraction. The real target was our base. By the time the Commander realized what was going on, it was too late to save both. It was either abandon the city to its fate, or leave us to defend the keep on our own.
[ Silence hangs between them, and Ginoza isn't sure if he's just said the wrong thing. However, the mage isn't leaving, nor does he appear to be upset. Instead, he looks like he's in deep thought, collecting his words. Gino remains quiet– he wants to hear what the other man has to say.
When Anders speaks up, he's listening with rapt attention.
There's talk of seiges, war time. He doesn't know what war's like, but he's heard about it in school. Has read encyclopedias detailing timelines of historical battles, none of which the Sybil System run Japan suffers now. Long ago, he'd heard, a horrible war happened amongst many nations. It'd left Japan on its knees. Nothing he's read about can help him comprehend what it must've been like; he's having a difficult enough time trying to imagine Anders' situation.
What he connects with, though, is the base of what he's saying. Working together with a team, leaders going missing or cut away– he can understand that. So it feels like his stomach is sinking when he thinks about an abandoned group, defending against something they weren't prepared for. ]
I...I think I understand.
[ The words come out unsure, foundation shaken a bit. ]
We fought. For a week. [He smiles, thin, slightly bitter. They'd fought and he hadn't run away, for the first time in his life.] It was— chaos, relentless. I was one of the most senior recruits there, and I had only been part of the Order for a few weeks. But the Commander was right, in the end. We did manage on our own. Barely, but we did.
It was a mess. A lot of good people died, and they might not have if things had happened differently. But I'll tell you the truth. [He looks up. Selena is bright, sunny, picturesque. The way Amaranthine was, before the Blight.] If they had come back for us, if they'd left whatever survivors were still in the city to die.... I don't know that I would have wanted to call that person my Commander, after that.
[As it happens, the Warden-Commander is one of the few good memories of the Wardens he has left. The first and only authority figure he's ever followed without question, not out of obligation, but out of respect. If he could be even a sliver to his unit what the Warden-Commander was to him, it would be a job well done.]
What I'm trying to say is: I don't think you were wrong. But it's not always going to be a choice between you and the people you're leading. Sometimes it's just going to be some innocent lives traded for others. You should think about what that means to you.
[ It's difficult to listen and not all at once. Anders is presenting him with a hard truth, one born from experience. Command isn't easy, it's something he's known for a while now. As an Inspector, he'd been in charge of team of individuals and had to make sure they got on and off the field without injury. Their missions weren't easy most of the time, not since they'd gained a reputation of getting things done well.
Still, this is a different level, what the mage is discussing. ]
I want to save as many people as possible. [ The thought of letting so many die is horrifying to him. ] If...if that means I'd have to pick the survivors over my own– [ Glancing away, he frowns, brow furrowing. He's already lost so many people. Lost so much. But Akane, he realizes, knows best. It's about protecting the people. They'd signed up on their job, knowing it was dangerous. Survivors hadn't asked for that, in most cases. ]
–I'd have to believe the rest of the team would do what needs to be done.
I'd rather say that I hope you won't have to make a choice like that.
[It's one thing to say it, to want to choose that, and something else entirely to do it. He'd like to think he'd do the same. He's not sure if he would have the same iron resolve to really carry through.
He looks back down at his feet. Thinking too long about how beautiful Selena might be isn't something he'd consider a good use of his time.]
I'd rather that no one would have to make this sort of choice.
[ Because having to choose between crew or the mission is hard enough. Having to make that choice not to save one part of the recruits because they'd gotten duped is quite another. There's no winning– but there never really is in situations like that. He knows well enough from years of working in the MWPSB that sometimes, cases are a loss. That innocent people die as a result of their decisions, even if they're trying to help them.
The fact of the matter is that he can't save everyone. It's a truth he has a hard time swallowing in most cases. ]
You're right, though. I can't expect that they'll let us off the hook so easily. They don't mean for this to be a walk in the park.
So long as you understand that, I don't think there's anything else I can tell you. You're the one who's going to have to carry out your decisions. You can't let anyone else make them for you.
[There's no reason to please the instructors at every turn, from his perspective. You can make the instructors as happy as possible, and you'd still be shackled by their expectations. It wouldn't make it any easier.
It's about operating within boundaries. He doesn't like it, but he's beginning to readjust to it.]
Ginoza frowns, thinking it over. Anders, of course, is right. All of his points have been valid, helpful, especially since he feels like he's been struggling to understand what the instructors want. Because one moment the missions seem inane, and in the next, he's having to kill people he trusts (his father, no he's not going to think about that).
But there's also the fact that this hits close to home. Masaoka had mentioned it, before he got here, that he was in over his head. Part of him recognizes his decisions are being made due to Kasei. She's maneuvered him into a corner and he's not sure how to get out it. And yet, he doesn't know if she's necessarily wrong. Why would she be?
( He doesn't want to think about how the MWPSB has been making the wrong decisions all this time. ) ]
I... that I understand. [ Glancing over, he looks at the mage seriously before tilting his head down as a sign of respect. ] Thank you. I really appreciate the advice.
You're welcome. I know it's not an easy thing, all of this.
[It feels like it isn't enough, to him. He wants to be able to give Gino a definitive answer, but he knows that's not something any of them will probably ever get, with the CDC.]
Good luck. And if you need anything else, you can always ask.
[Gino isn't his unit, but even still. He wants to do right by the team. He'll try, at least.]
[ An understatement, really. Here, he has no control over the team. Well, no direct control. Not like being in an instructor position, which is what he's more used to. But, at the very least, he can try and control what he's able to. ]
And to you as well, on both aspects.
[ Gino's not sure what he can offer, but it's there all the same. Anders helped him out, it's not something he's going to forget or take for granted. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[The other two hadn't even crossed his mind as possibilities. He can't control that he's with the CDC, but he can control what he does inside it. He prefers medical over everything else.]
So, I guess the question is, did you pick command because you thought you could do it, or did you pick it because you didn't think you could do either of the others?
no subject
And because of that, the question takes him completely off guard. What were his reasons for choosing command? Was it just pride? Was it him trying to prove something to himself or to others? His father’s words continue to echo in his head– in over his head, even though it didn’t seem like much. Even though he’d been watching Akane steadily work her way through the mire without blinking, without her hue changing. She remained as clear as day, all while he watched his own hue crumble and stain.
So really, had he thought he could do it? Or was it just fear of the other options? ]
Perhaps…perhaps a little of both. Leading is similar to what I do at home, so I thought it would be something I’m more used to. [ Even though leadership in the CDC is something very different. ]
At the same time, I don’t think I have it in me to perform well at the other two things at all.
[ He can barely keep his small team together, how was he supposed to stay cool under pressure when someone was bleeding out or when supplies that can affect so many were under fire? ]
no subject
[An observation, more than an accusation. He's not really in a position to judge.]
I'm not saying you need to be. But if the command option was anything like the medical option, I'm guessing it didn't give you much time to get your bearings. I take it didn't go the way you hoped?
40,000 years later
It...no, it really didn't. [ There were so many things he'd expected. The simulation had given him none of them. ] It dropped me back home. Or rather, a simulation of an event on my world. One I'd already been through, which I thought was strange.
[ Of course, there were CDC recruits instead. ]
pats u on the head
Did it go better than the first time? Or worse?
[A too-personal question, maybe, but he doesn't apologize for it. To him, it's the personal things that make good leaders, the kind he'd happily follow instead of begrudgingly.]
no subject
It went differently. [ They were both bad for separate reasons. ] I thought it went more efficiently this time. I knew where to go, at least. But, at the end I was faced with a decision– it was either try to make a run for the ship to evacuate and put everyone in danger...
[ A beat, because he still sort of believes he made the right choice. ]
Or stay behind and wave them off. [ Self-sacrificing. ]
no subject
The CDC would have preferred you take the risk. Do I have that right?
[It's familiar, in an old, aching way. And it's what made the command option the most brutal of the three, maybe.]
no subject
[ He looks down, eyebrows knitting together. Why sacrifice an entire crew when they could all live? ]
Ghost sounded surprised. That I left them without a leader. [ There's a hesitation. ] I'd chosen the crew carefully; there were several others I knew would do better, with or without me.
no subject
Not that that's ever stopped him before.]
There was a war, where I'm from, a few years ago. I was a— soldier, I guess you could say. Near the end of it. ["Soldier" isn't the right word, but he's skimming details here: the Blight, the darkspawn, the Wardens. What Gino seems to need is the heart of the story.] We got word of a siege that was going to be laid against a city nearby. Our commander took a small group out to provide support, and left the rest of us to defend our base.
[He hasn't talked about the Wardens in a long time. It feels like he's talking about someone else's life.]
Long story short: the siege was a distraction. The real target was our base. By the time the Commander realized what was going on, it was too late to save both. It was either abandon the city to its fate, or leave us to defend the keep on our own.
[a beat]
Reinforcements didn't come.
no subject
When Anders speaks up, he's listening with rapt attention.
There's talk of seiges, war time. He doesn't know what war's like, but he's heard about it in school. Has read encyclopedias detailing timelines of historical battles, none of which the Sybil System run Japan suffers now. Long ago, he'd heard, a horrible war happened amongst many nations. It'd left Japan on its knees. Nothing he's read about can help him comprehend what it must've been like; he's having a difficult enough time trying to imagine Anders' situation.
What he connects with, though, is the base of what he's saying. Working together with a team, leaders going missing or cut away– he can understand that. So it feels like his stomach is sinking when he thinks about an abandoned group, defending against something they weren't prepared for. ]
I...I think I understand.
[ The words come out unsure, foundation shaken a bit. ]
How did you... [ survive? ]
no subject
It was a mess. A lot of good people died, and they might not have if things had happened differently. But I'll tell you the truth. [He looks up. Selena is bright, sunny, picturesque. The way Amaranthine was, before the Blight.] If they had come back for us, if they'd left whatever survivors were still in the city to die.... I don't know that I would have wanted to call that person my Commander, after that.
[As it happens, the Warden-Commander is one of the few good memories of the Wardens he has left. The first and only authority figure he's ever followed without question, not out of obligation, but out of respect. If he could be even a sliver to his unit what the Warden-Commander was to him, it would be a job well done.]
What I'm trying to say is: I don't think you were wrong. But it's not always going to be a choice between you and the people you're leading. Sometimes it's just going to be some innocent lives traded for others. You should think about what that means to you.
no subject
Still, this is a different level, what the mage is discussing. ]
I want to save as many people as possible. [ The thought of letting so many die is horrifying to him. ] If...if that means I'd have to pick the survivors over my own– [ Glancing away, he frowns, brow furrowing. He's already lost so many people. Lost so much. But Akane, he realizes, knows best. It's about protecting the people. They'd signed up on their job, knowing it was dangerous. Survivors hadn't asked for that, in most cases. ]
–I'd have to believe the rest of the team would do what needs to be done.
no subject
[It's one thing to say it, to want to choose that, and something else entirely to do it. He'd like to think he'd do the same. He's not sure if he would have the same iron resolve to really carry through.
He looks back down at his feet. Thinking too long about how beautiful Selena might be isn't something he'd consider a good use of his time.]
But I think that would probably be naive of me.
no subject
[ Because having to choose between crew or the mission is hard enough. Having to make that choice not to save one part of the recruits because they'd gotten duped is quite another. There's no winning– but there never really is in situations like that. He knows well enough from years of working in the MWPSB that sometimes, cases are a loss. That innocent people die as a result of their decisions, even if they're trying to help them.
The fact of the matter is that he can't save everyone. It's a truth he has a hard time swallowing in most cases. ]
You're right, though. I can't expect that they'll let us off the hook so easily. They don't mean for this to be a walk in the park.
[ They have to earn their contracts. ]
no subject
[There's no reason to please the instructors at every turn, from his perspective. You can make the instructors as happy as possible, and you'd still be shackled by their expectations. It wouldn't make it any easier.
It's about operating within boundaries. He doesn't like it, but he's beginning to readjust to it.]
no subject
Ginoza frowns, thinking it over. Anders, of course, is right. All of his points have been valid, helpful, especially since he feels like he's been struggling to understand what the instructors want. Because one moment the missions seem inane, and in the next, he's having to kill people he trusts (his father, no he's not going to think about that).
But there's also the fact that this hits close to home. Masaoka had mentioned it, before he got here, that he was in over his head. Part of him recognizes his decisions are being made due to Kasei. She's maneuvered him into a corner and he's not sure how to get out it. And yet, he doesn't know if she's necessarily wrong. Why would she be?
( He doesn't want to think about how the MWPSB has been making the wrong decisions all this time. ) ]
I... that I understand. [ Glancing over, he looks at the mage seriously before tilting his head down as a sign of respect. ] Thank you. I really appreciate the advice.
no subject
[It feels like it isn't enough, to him. He wants to be able to give Gino a definitive answer, but he knows that's not something any of them will probably ever get, with the CDC.]
Good luck. And if you need anything else, you can always ask.
[Gino isn't his unit, but even still. He wants to do right by the team. He'll try, at least.]
no subject
[ An understatement, really. Here, he has no control over the team. Well, no direct control. Not like being in an instructor position, which is what he's more used to. But, at the very least, he can try and control what he's able to. ]
And to you as well, on both aspects.
[ Gino's not sure what he can offer, but it's there all the same. Anders helped him out, it's not something he's going to forget or take for granted. ]