We fought. For a week. [He smiles, thin, slightly bitter. They'd fought and he hadn't run away, for the first time in his life.] It was— chaos, relentless. I was one of the most senior recruits there, and I had only been part of the Order for a few weeks. But the Commander was right, in the end. We did manage on our own. Barely, but we did.
It was a mess. A lot of good people died, and they might not have if things had happened differently. But I'll tell you the truth. [He looks up. Selena is bright, sunny, picturesque. The way Amaranthine was, before the Blight.] If they had come back for us, if they'd left whatever survivors were still in the city to die.... I don't know that I would have wanted to call that person my Commander, after that.
[As it happens, the Warden-Commander is one of the few good memories of the Wardens he has left. The first and only authority figure he's ever followed without question, not out of obligation, but out of respect. If he could be even a sliver to his unit what the Warden-Commander was to him, it would be a job well done.]
What I'm trying to say is: I don't think you were wrong. But it's not always going to be a choice between you and the people you're leading. Sometimes it's just going to be some innocent lives traded for others. You should think about what that means to you.
[ It's difficult to listen and not all at once. Anders is presenting him with a hard truth, one born from experience. Command isn't easy, it's something he's known for a while now. As an Inspector, he'd been in charge of team of individuals and had to make sure they got on and off the field without injury. Their missions weren't easy most of the time, not since they'd gained a reputation of getting things done well.
Still, this is a different level, what the mage is discussing. ]
I want to save as many people as possible. [ The thought of letting so many die is horrifying to him. ] If...if that means I'd have to pick the survivors over my own– [ Glancing away, he frowns, brow furrowing. He's already lost so many people. Lost so much. But Akane, he realizes, knows best. It's about protecting the people. They'd signed up on their job, knowing it was dangerous. Survivors hadn't asked for that, in most cases. ]
–I'd have to believe the rest of the team would do what needs to be done.
I'd rather say that I hope you won't have to make a choice like that.
[It's one thing to say it, to want to choose that, and something else entirely to do it. He'd like to think he'd do the same. He's not sure if he would have the same iron resolve to really carry through.
He looks back down at his feet. Thinking too long about how beautiful Selena might be isn't something he'd consider a good use of his time.]
I'd rather that no one would have to make this sort of choice.
[ Because having to choose between crew or the mission is hard enough. Having to make that choice not to save one part of the recruits because they'd gotten duped is quite another. There's no winning– but there never really is in situations like that. He knows well enough from years of working in the MWPSB that sometimes, cases are a loss. That innocent people die as a result of their decisions, even if they're trying to help them.
The fact of the matter is that he can't save everyone. It's a truth he has a hard time swallowing in most cases. ]
You're right, though. I can't expect that they'll let us off the hook so easily. They don't mean for this to be a walk in the park.
So long as you understand that, I don't think there's anything else I can tell you. You're the one who's going to have to carry out your decisions. You can't let anyone else make them for you.
[There's no reason to please the instructors at every turn, from his perspective. You can make the instructors as happy as possible, and you'd still be shackled by their expectations. It wouldn't make it any easier.
It's about operating within boundaries. He doesn't like it, but he's beginning to readjust to it.]
Ginoza frowns, thinking it over. Anders, of course, is right. All of his points have been valid, helpful, especially since he feels like he's been struggling to understand what the instructors want. Because one moment the missions seem inane, and in the next, he's having to kill people he trusts (his father, no he's not going to think about that).
But there's also the fact that this hits close to home. Masaoka had mentioned it, before he got here, that he was in over his head. Part of him recognizes his decisions are being made due to Kasei. She's maneuvered him into a corner and he's not sure how to get out it. And yet, he doesn't know if she's necessarily wrong. Why would she be?
( He doesn't want to think about how the MWPSB has been making the wrong decisions all this time. ) ]
I... that I understand. [ Glancing over, he looks at the mage seriously before tilting his head down as a sign of respect. ] Thank you. I really appreciate the advice.
You're welcome. I know it's not an easy thing, all of this.
[It feels like it isn't enough, to him. He wants to be able to give Gino a definitive answer, but he knows that's not something any of them will probably ever get, with the CDC.]
Good luck. And if you need anything else, you can always ask.
[Gino isn't his unit, but even still. He wants to do right by the team. He'll try, at least.]
[ An understatement, really. Here, he has no control over the team. Well, no direct control. Not like being in an instructor position, which is what he's more used to. But, at the very least, he can try and control what he's able to. ]
And to you as well, on both aspects.
[ Gino's not sure what he can offer, but it's there all the same. Anders helped him out, it's not something he's going to forget or take for granted. ]
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no subject
It was a mess. A lot of good people died, and they might not have if things had happened differently. But I'll tell you the truth. [He looks up. Selena is bright, sunny, picturesque. The way Amaranthine was, before the Blight.] If they had come back for us, if they'd left whatever survivors were still in the city to die.... I don't know that I would have wanted to call that person my Commander, after that.
[As it happens, the Warden-Commander is one of the few good memories of the Wardens he has left. The first and only authority figure he's ever followed without question, not out of obligation, but out of respect. If he could be even a sliver to his unit what the Warden-Commander was to him, it would be a job well done.]
What I'm trying to say is: I don't think you were wrong. But it's not always going to be a choice between you and the people you're leading. Sometimes it's just going to be some innocent lives traded for others. You should think about what that means to you.
no subject
Still, this is a different level, what the mage is discussing. ]
I want to save as many people as possible. [ The thought of letting so many die is horrifying to him. ] If...if that means I'd have to pick the survivors over my own– [ Glancing away, he frowns, brow furrowing. He's already lost so many people. Lost so much. But Akane, he realizes, knows best. It's about protecting the people. They'd signed up on their job, knowing it was dangerous. Survivors hadn't asked for that, in most cases. ]
–I'd have to believe the rest of the team would do what needs to be done.
no subject
[It's one thing to say it, to want to choose that, and something else entirely to do it. He'd like to think he'd do the same. He's not sure if he would have the same iron resolve to really carry through.
He looks back down at his feet. Thinking too long about how beautiful Selena might be isn't something he'd consider a good use of his time.]
But I think that would probably be naive of me.
no subject
[ Because having to choose between crew or the mission is hard enough. Having to make that choice not to save one part of the recruits because they'd gotten duped is quite another. There's no winning– but there never really is in situations like that. He knows well enough from years of working in the MWPSB that sometimes, cases are a loss. That innocent people die as a result of their decisions, even if they're trying to help them.
The fact of the matter is that he can't save everyone. It's a truth he has a hard time swallowing in most cases. ]
You're right, though. I can't expect that they'll let us off the hook so easily. They don't mean for this to be a walk in the park.
[ They have to earn their contracts. ]
no subject
[There's no reason to please the instructors at every turn, from his perspective. You can make the instructors as happy as possible, and you'd still be shackled by their expectations. It wouldn't make it any easier.
It's about operating within boundaries. He doesn't like it, but he's beginning to readjust to it.]
no subject
Ginoza frowns, thinking it over. Anders, of course, is right. All of his points have been valid, helpful, especially since he feels like he's been struggling to understand what the instructors want. Because one moment the missions seem inane, and in the next, he's having to kill people he trusts (his father, no he's not going to think about that).
But there's also the fact that this hits close to home. Masaoka had mentioned it, before he got here, that he was in over his head. Part of him recognizes his decisions are being made due to Kasei. She's maneuvered him into a corner and he's not sure how to get out it. And yet, he doesn't know if she's necessarily wrong. Why would she be?
( He doesn't want to think about how the MWPSB has been making the wrong decisions all this time. ) ]
I... that I understand. [ Glancing over, he looks at the mage seriously before tilting his head down as a sign of respect. ] Thank you. I really appreciate the advice.
no subject
[It feels like it isn't enough, to him. He wants to be able to give Gino a definitive answer, but he knows that's not something any of them will probably ever get, with the CDC.]
Good luck. And if you need anything else, you can always ask.
[Gino isn't his unit, but even still. He wants to do right by the team. He'll try, at least.]
no subject
[ An understatement, really. Here, he has no control over the team. Well, no direct control. Not like being in an instructor position, which is what he's more used to. But, at the very least, he can try and control what he's able to. ]
And to you as well, on both aspects.
[ Gino's not sure what he can offer, but it's there all the same. Anders helped him out, it's not something he's going to forget or take for granted. ]