[He has no idea what Fenris is talking about. In another moment, a calmer state of mind, he'd demand answers first and spend his anger later.
But here and now, feeling threatened and cornered and outraged, he's beyond that kind of control.]
FROM: anders@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
My kind. You mean the mages in the Gallows, the people they cage, they abuse, they mutilate. Strip of everything that makes them what they are, who they are, just so templars can have puppets on strings they can force to bow a little more deeply.
Everything I've done, everything I will do, has been for that. To strike a blow against what's been inflicted on us.
[There's a shift in his voice. Not tone, but resonance, the force of the Fade coming to bear. It buzzes strangely in the tech of the communicator.
Justice. Not in control, not yet, but surging to the surface, and dragging the worst of Anders with him.]
If Meredith dies, if Kirkwall burns, it will only be because they deserved it.
[ Fenris takes a short moment to collect himself. He knows that weighty sound, can hear it even through this contraption, can feel it skitter up his spine. Takes a moment to breathe, swallow the fury he's suddenly choking on along with the—yes, fear, thin and sharp as razors.
Being vindicated has never disappointed him so greatly. ]
FROM: fenris@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
...I had hoped, no matter how blindly destructive, that your actions at the Chantry were fully your own. That if we are to be hunted for your crimes, that they at least be those of a maniac and not at the behest of a demon.
But I see now; you resign yourself to a madness that could have been prevented. You have already willingly given yourself to it. I was foolish to think it was not the work of an abomination simply because you did not use magic.
It is not madness to demand all the basic rights afforded to normal men. It is not madness to demand vengeance for the suffering and death that's been waged against us.
[For a moment, briefly, Justice's baritone eclipses him. It feels like blackness creeping at his edges; he falters, struggles, goes silent.
He takes a small, ragged breath. There is a long pause before he says anything at all, but when he finally does, it's only as himself.
With Fenris, he's still too stubborn and proud to admit what's obvious: his control is withering.]
You chose a side. Varric, Aveline, Hawke. You chose my side, whether you want to admit it or not. Didn't you? Or did the abomination do that too, glow so brightly you didn't notice who was next to you?
And what's your excuse? Hawke? [He makes a soft noise of disgust.] At least I own what I'm fighting for.
[He's building a narrative in his head that suits his own perspective, and he refuses to believe that Fenris willingly did anything to better mages, not without ulterior motives.]
What happened in the Vimmarks was painful in every sense of the word, a harsh reminder of everything he is, mage and Warden, all at once. It's unpleasant to think about.
His voice turns brittle.]
FROM: anders@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
You think I'm blind to it, what Justice has cost me, cost-- [he hovers on the word] everyone. I'm not. I've seen what he's done. [What I've done, the part he'll never say to Fenris.] I won't forget it.
[He regains some of his momentum.]
But you can't pretend that what I'm fighting for -- what Justice and I have been fighting for, from the beginning -- is anything but right.
[ In his rover, Fenris just looks at the blackglass like it's fed him something foul. ]
FROM: fenris@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
Do you think I revel in the Templars' abuses? That I do not understand what it is to be held captive "for my own good," to never stop running?
[ The voice telling him to stop and consider the weight of his own argument is fully Hawke's. His excuse? No. Simply his reason.
The words are poison in his throat. They burn like acid at the edges of his pride. He misses the old hate, sturdy and uncomplicated as a shield. ]
Magic [ exists to serve man, not to rule over him. Was it even so, in Martin's world? ] is a symptom. The disease is power—and the arrogance of believing it will not be used as a weapon the moment it is allowed.
I have seen what you do to those who have injured your pride. I have seen what it does.
And you surrender to it thinking it cares one whit for you.
[He feels like he's being mocked. Fenris, of all people, claiming camaraderie with apostate mages. He makes a hoarse noise in the back of his throat -- it could be a laugh, if it was at all pleasant.]
I'm serious. Do you actually expect me to believe that you believe that? You, who would've seen the templars right to my door, tossed me in the Gallows yourself, if Hawke had ever allowed it?
Justice understood. [Past tense.] He wanted to change it. Real change. Not standing by and letting abuse go unchecked for years -- but it's fine, because you didn't revel in it.
I doubt it's a coincidence that you suddenly "understand" so well, now that the templars have turned on you, too.
[ Anders is not wrong about that. About most of it. But just like Anders, this line of conversation still brings out the worst in him, and he cannot bring himself to abandon his pride even for the sake of reason. ]
FROM: fenris@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
I noticed you have nothing to say about yourself. What you're capable of. What you've done.
What are you waiting for me to say, Fenris? That I'm sorry to hear Meredith's been toppled? That I don't think the templars deserved what's coming to them? Because you'll be waiting a long time.
I know what I've done. I don't have to defend myself to you. [Because he can't, mainly.] But this? I don't even remember whatever it is you're accusing me of. I don't know what the CDC did, but last I remember, Meredith was as happy a tyrant as ever.
[It's easier to focus on the crime he can't yet technically be blamed for than the ones he's already guilty of.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But here and now, feeling threatened and cornered and outraged, he's beyond that kind of control.]
FROM: anders@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
My kind. You mean the mages in the Gallows, the people they cage, they abuse, they mutilate. Strip of everything that makes them what they are, who they are, just so templars can have puppets on strings they can force to bow a little more deeply.
Everything I've done, everything I will do, has been for that. To strike a blow against what's been inflicted on us.
[There's a shift in his voice. Not tone, but resonance, the force of the Fade coming to bear. It buzzes strangely in the tech of the communicator.
Justice. Not in control, not yet, but surging to the surface, and dragging the worst of Anders with him.]
If Meredith dies, if Kirkwall burns, it will only be because they deserved it.
no subject
Being vindicated has never disappointed him so greatly. ]
FROM: fenris@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
...I had hoped, no matter how blindly destructive, that your actions at the Chantry were fully your own. That if we are to be hunted for your crimes, that they at least be those of a maniac and not at the behest of a demon.
But I see now; you resign yourself to a madness that could have been prevented. You have already willingly given yourself to it. I was foolish to think it was not the work of an abomination simply because you did not use magic.
no subject
AUDIO LOG
It is not madness to demand all the basic rights afforded to normal men. It is not madness to demand vengeance for the suffering and death that's been waged against us.
[For a moment, briefly, Justice's baritone eclipses him. It feels like blackness creeping at his edges; he falters, struggles, goes silent.
He takes a small, ragged breath. There is a long pause before he says anything at all, but when he finally does, it's only as himself.
With Fenris, he's still too stubborn and proud to admit what's obvious: his control is withering.]
You chose a side. Varric, Aveline, Hawke. You chose my side, whether you want to admit it or not. Didn't you? Or did the abomination do that too, glow so brightly you didn't notice who was next to you?
And what's your excuse? Hawke? [He makes a soft noise of disgust.] At least I own what I'm fighting for.
[He's building a narrative in his head that suits his own perspective, and he refuses to believe that Fenris willingly did anything to better mages, not without ulterior motives.]
no subject
AUDIO LOG
Own it like you own Justice and the demons it summoned in the Vimmarks?
no subject
What happened in the Vimmarks was painful in every sense of the word, a harsh reminder of everything he is, mage and Warden, all at once. It's unpleasant to think about.
His voice turns brittle.]
FROM: anders@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
You think I'm blind to it, what Justice has cost me, cost-- [he hovers on the word] everyone. I'm not. I've seen what he's done. [What I've done, the part he'll never say to Fenris.] I won't forget it.
[He regains some of his momentum.]
But you can't pretend that what I'm fighting for -- what Justice and I have been fighting for, from the beginning -- is anything but right.
no subject
FROM: fenris@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
Do you think I revel in the Templars' abuses? That I do not understand what it is to be held captive "for my own good," to never stop running?
[ The voice telling him to stop and consider the weight of his own argument is fully Hawke's. His excuse? No. Simply his reason.
The words are poison in his throat. They burn like acid at the edges of his pride. He misses the old hate, sturdy and uncomplicated as a shield. ]
Magic [ exists to serve man, not to rule over him. Was it even so, in Martin's world? ] is a symptom. The disease is power—and the arrogance of believing it will not be used as a weapon the moment it is allowed.
I have seen what you do to those who have injured your pride. I have seen what it does.
And you surrender to it thinking it cares one whit for you.
no subject
AUDIO LOG
Do you expect me to believe that?
[He feels like he's being mocked. Fenris, of all people, claiming camaraderie with apostate mages. He makes a hoarse noise in the back of his throat -- it could be a laugh, if it was at all pleasant.]
I'm serious. Do you actually expect me to believe that you believe that? You, who would've seen the templars right to my door, tossed me in the Gallows yourself, if Hawke had ever allowed it?
Justice understood. [Past tense.] He wanted to change it. Real change. Not standing by and letting abuse go unchecked for years -- but it's fine, because you didn't revel in it.
I doubt it's a coincidence that you suddenly "understand" so well, now that the templars have turned on you, too.
no subject
FROM: fenris@cdc.org
AUDIO LOG
I noticed you have nothing to say about yourself. What you're capable of. What you've done.
no subject
AUDIO LOG
What are you waiting for me to say, Fenris? That I'm sorry to hear Meredith's been toppled? That I don't think the templars deserved what's coming to them? Because you'll be waiting a long time.
I know what I've done. I don't have to defend myself to you. [Because he can't, mainly.] But this? I don't even remember whatever it is you're accusing me of. I don't know what the CDC did, but last I remember, Meredith was as happy a tyrant as ever.
[It's easier to focus on the crime he can't yet technically be blamed for than the ones he's already guilty of.]